tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central July 19, 2012 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT
- so you solved your janitor thing. now back to nancy and avery? top gun high-five for courage? - only because you look like you need it so badly. - i'm fine with that. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com (laughter) >> stephen: tonight, a new way to qeblgt the scriptures-- the more casual king jim version. (laughter) then mitt romney reaches out to his constituency and this time not to ask if they have any grey poupon. (laughter) and my guest is annise d.parker, houston's first openly gay mayor. i'll ask her how she broke it to her parents that she wanted to live in houston. (laughter) the man's with the world's largest penis was patted down by the t.s.a.. come on! you're supposed to put that thing in a separate tray.
(laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) the greatest people in the world. thank you so much. these are the greatest people in the world. you have no idea what they have been through today. 145 degrees. (laughter) followed by apocalyptic lightning and hail. (laughter) it was as if someone opened the goddamned ark of the covenant out there today.
(laughter) newt sure why i had to throw in the g.d. nation, welcome to the show. good to have you with us. for reasons that i can't understand our elections have become all about who people like more. it's as if democracy is some kind of popularity contest. and i don't know why, but mitt romney has gotten this reputation as a guy who can't identify with the common man-- no matter how hard he fires them. (laughter) even republican speaker of the house and tandoori american john boehner (laughter) ... has bought this line of bull dookie that mitt's unlikable saying last month "the american people probably aren't going to fall in love with mitt romney." hey! love's overrated. it can be disappointing when i
fades over time, but with mitt there's no magic fright the start. (laughter) besides there are plenty of examples of mitt connecting with regular folks. >> i drive a mustang and a pickup truck. anne drives a couple cadillacs. i'm not sure about these. they came from the 7-eleven. i'm learning to say y'all, i like gritz. strange things are happening to me. >> stephen: yes, strange things. thanks to the blue ferry he's becoming a real boy. (laughter) well, on monday mitch once and for all dispelled his image as a detached, tone-deaf body-snatching pod creature. in front of donors in mississippi who paid up to $50 to attend romney shows just how much he gets the plight of the
working josing ""i know people in this room are probably doing relatively well but not everyone in america is doing so well right now. the waiters and waitresss that come in and out of this room and offer us refreshments, they're not having a good year. (audience reacts) i'm guessing their year felt worse and worse as the night went on. nation, that is how a candidate connects with the average people! because there's nothing blue-collar joes like more than having they are struggles pointed out in front of a room of rich people they are serving. you know what, folks? i should connect to my underling it is way mitt does. jake jay, get out here! jay the intern everybody. (cheers and applause) thanks for coming out, good to see you my friend. (laughter) now jay... jay, i just want to know, i just want... i just want
you to know that i get what a crap pile your life is. >> i'm doing okay. >> stephen: so brave. (laughter) come on, look at you. you dress like you drum on buckets for a living. i know how hard it must be to get by on what you make as an intern. i'm the one who signs your check for zero dollars every week and then writes in the memo line "because obama." >> really, i'm fine. >> we're all friends here, jay, i just want you to drink in the sympathy, jimmy, can we get a spotlight on jay, please? look at that loser. (laughter) that is just sad. can i get an "aww" please? (audience reacts) dhufl pit the? let it nourish you. this is great. it feels good, me sympathizing with your unimaginable squalor. (laughter)
it's like we're equals. >> really? well, do you want to eat lunch together sometimes? >> stephen: i'd love that but i don't give you lunch breaks so... (laughter) you can see what kind of pinch i'm in. can i get an "aww?" (audience reacts) thank you. >> so no lunch. >> stephen: oh, no, i definitely want you to get me lunch. chop-chop. get going. dave the intern, everybody. (applause) nation, my mama taught me if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. that way you can hear all the not-nice things i have to say. this is tip of the hat wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks i pride myself on being a good christian then i go straight to confession to receive forgiveness for the sin of pride. like i said, i tamm best at it. and as a christian i constantly
need reminders of my faith so i never forget the sacrifices jesus made over there in... well, you know, where it's hot and people wear sandals. burning bush, talking snake-istan, whatever. (laughter) that's why i was so excited when i saw this: >> if you were looking to get into god's good graces or in the market for a family-friendly tablet you may want to check out families christians edify. >> billed as the world's first christian tablet it comes pre-load to bible and ads that link to christian radio stations. it features a browse we are a safe search that prevents it from accessing any x-rated material. >> stephen: and no fingering the touch screen until you've married it. (laughter) folks, the edify's got it all, a browser, apps, games, i can't wait to play their version of angry birds. instead of knocking over houses, the birds ask to come inside and talk to the pigs about jesus.
(laughter) so a tip of my hat to the family christians the edify tablet. it's about time we christians had our own technology. we already have special christian schools, christian cable networks, christian camps and christian dating sight sites now we have a christian way to ignore our families with mindless procrastination. (laughter) sadly, folks, there are still some things in my life that don't broadcast my face to the world. for instance, i want christian electricity, not the devil's lightning from that freaky three-pronged socket in the wall who will let anybody plug into it. alternating current? no thanks, i don't want ac/dc, i want only j.c. (laughter and applause) next up, a wag of my... thank you. people are applauding jesus. (laughter) next a wag of my finger at the
japanese scientist who invented a rock paper scissors playing robot that never loses. even more shocking, japanese scientists built a robot and didn't try to have sex with it (laughter) apparently this rock paper cyborg wins by cheating. used as an ultra high speed camera to make its move one millisecond after its ow human opponent has made his. it just looks like it's going at the same time so it always wins and therefore i assume always gets to ride shotgun. (laughter) just take a look at this mechanical menace in action wow, all the excitement of regular rock, paper, scissors combined with being alone. (laughter)
(cheers and applause) folks, the implications here are frightening. up until now i have never lost a game of rock, paper, scissors with a machine. >> i play every morning against my mr. coffee. loser makes the winner coffee. but now... i lost one. but now these robots will be unstoppable. we all know that when the machines rise up against us mankind's sole chance of survival is to beat them in a winner-take-all game of rock paper scissors. just watch the end of "the terminator." he's throwing paper! sarah connor, throw scissors if you want to live! folks, our only hope is to defeat these machines by challenging them to a game of
rock, paper, what is this thing you humans call love? at which point the robot will either self-destruct because it can never experience the purest of human emotions or start having sex with you which, come on, is what its japanese creators wanted all along. (laughter) we'll be right back (cheers and applause)
nation thank you so much. this is the greatest audience in the world. nation, they say music doth have charms to soothe the savage breast. that's hot. (laughter) this is stephen colbert's "me tunes." (applause) as you can tell, folks, i live the rock and roll life-style. yeah, i'll wear a striped tie with a striped shirt, i don't care what the man says. of course my favorite rock and rollers are those cheeky british lads who invaded america so many years ago and changed music forever. i speak, of course, of def leppard. (laughter) unfortunately, folks, due to a contract dispute with their record label, the lep's classic hits have not been available on internet music sites like itunes
or... i'm sure there are other ones. (laughter) bingtunes? googjams? yahootnanny. regardless. i'm happy to say i can bang my digital head to def leppard because they have come up with a rock 'n' roll work around. jimmy? score some footage on me. >> our work is not available on any digital domain because of it's a catalog issue with the record label so we just wanted studio versions of those songs available so we went in there and we forged our own work. >> stephen: what joe elliot is saying is to get around a dispute with their record label they're rerecorded note for note versions of their biggest hits. this is an exciting time for the band which is why i assume joe elliot had his mom there for moral support.
(laughter) she looks good for a woman her age. (laughter) def leppard isn't doing lazy cover versions of their songs, they are recreating every nuance. which is a challenge because there's not a lot of nuance in def leppard songs. joe? taken a interview solo. >> we've got to be really care that we actually study these things. literally it's like forgeries, like donald please sans in "the great escape" doing the passports. it's got to be exactly the same to fool the german guard. >> stephen: that's right. each recording will come with a money-back guarantee good enough to fool a nazi. let's see it's true. jimmy, let's hear some of the original 1983 regarding of "rock of ages." ♪ rock of ages, rock of ages
♪ >> stephen: all right, okay. now let's hear the one they recorded this year. ♪ rock of ages... >> stephen: (bleep), that's amazing! not only... now not only can they release their music without their label, i think it's safe to say def leppard has a new career as the world's best def leppard cover band! (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, my guest tonight is the mayor of houston. i assume she's here in new york to pick up jeremy lin. please welcome the honorable annise d.parker. (cheers and applause) sorry, sometimes they deserve a double dip. these people have been through hell tonight. (laughter) now madam, your excellency, your honor, what do you call the mayor of houston? >> mayor. >> stephen: marshal? >> mayor is fine. >> no your honor or anything like that? >> madam mayor if you're being formal. >> well, i'm all about formality now, annise... (laughter) you're the mayor of houston, as
i said. for the yankeeish out there who do not understand houston, we're not talking about a rinkky dink 'burb like akron or charlotte. houston is... tell the people houston's ranking in america. >> we're the fourth-largest any the. >> stephen: new york, los angeles, chicago, houston. it's a huge city. >> it is. >> stephen: in your first term-- this is your second term right now, houston added over 125,000 private sector jobs, balanced two city budgets, didn't raise taxes or cut police and firefighters. what is it that houston's got going on that the rest of the country doesn't? because i don't know if you watch the news but it's like we're reenacting gotham city in the rest of america. (laughter) are you the batman? >> absolutely. i invite everybody to come to houston and check it out for themselves. we're a very livable city. >> stephen: really? livable. my understanding is that you
combine the heat of texas and the humidity of new orleans. (laughter) >> we have jobs. >> oh, you have jobs. jobs and air conditioning. >> we're very... we're a foody town, we're an arts town, we're a sports town, a theater town, anything you want in the big city enough houston plus we have good "of life, we're affordable and we have jobs. >> stephen: i'm not familiar with the term jobs. where are your jobs? what do people do? what are the industry there is? >> only the biggest. we have the largest medical complex in the world. we have america's largest foreign tonnage port. we have johnson space center with nasa and aerospace. we're a big manufacturing center >> stephen: you've got an odd cosmopolitan quality. i want to get something out there. you are also the first openly gay mayor of a major city in america.
how is that possible? (cheers and applause) i'm going to pretend you are applauding for america and not gay. (laughter) how is that possible that texas-- texas-- six shooters, conservatives, george bush, rick perry, how is houston electing a gay mayor? no offense. (laughter) >> no offense to all of you and the rest of the world but it was an international media sensation when i was elected but houston elected me six times before they elected me mayor. >> stephen: maybe it was a fluke! (laughter) >> six times. and they knew every time. i'm good at what i do. and houston is very tolerant of a lot of things. they want to know what you can do, not who you are, where you're from. >> stephen: they knew? you didn't hide this? >> no. >> stephen: so your staff said just get it out there. >> i was a lesbian activist before i became mayor. i was a good candidate for mayor and they elect med six times already. >> stephen: can you get married
in texas? >> sure i can get married to you if you weren't already married. (laughter) >> stephen: i'm flattered. (laughter) can two women get married? >> no. >> stephen: do you have a partner. >> i do. >> stephen: what the... what is she called? >> well, i call her kathy but... (laughter and applause) nafrjts's the official term? >> the official term the first lady. we've been together 21 years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: could the two of you get married in texas. >> no. >> stephen: do you think that's right sngt >> no. >> stephen: you don't think that's right? >> no, but there are more than 250 other mayors in america that feel the same way i do and now our president thinks that we ought to have equal marriage rights as well. so i'm very happy about that. >> stephen: as mayor of a texas city do you walk around the streets in a ten-gallon hat with your thumbs in your pockets with
six shooters? (laughter) spitting tobacco? >> you had me until the tobacco. >> stephen: once a year during rodeo time i get my hat and boots and ride a horse down the middle of main street. >> stephen: honest to god? >> honest to god. we all do. >> stephen: all of you do? >> it's one of the skills a houston mayor must have. you have to be in the rodeo parade. >> stephen: oh, i thought you meant lesbians. i'm sorry. (laughter) houston's mayor annise